On my Supporting Young Mothers post that ran on BlogHer the other day, a comment (ok, it was the only comment) really struck me.
“I think a lot of the ‘shame’ a young mother feels isn’t necessarily something others are giving off; a lot of it is internal. I think an eyeroll in your direction, is automatically directed at you. A comment made off hand, is a personal attack.
I think sometimes, just sometimes, we need to look inside ourselves and realize that if WE are ok with who we are-and that includes a pregnancy-others will be too.”
I completely agree with this comment. And I wanted to share it, because sometimes, I worry about all my gung-ho-ness about being a young mom.
Because the truth is, being a young mom doesn’t make me any more of a good mom than being an older mom does.
There is a just a different set of challenges.
And alongside that, there is a different set of strengths.
I do think that a lot of the judgment about being a young mom is judgment I’ve placed on myself. Shame I’ve felt for getting pregnant in the first place. Disappointment for not leading the life I had dreamed about.
But there is definitely a point when you hear enough “babies having babies” comments or get a little tired of the looks at the grocery store.
Yes, I am growing up a little alongside of my children. But is that such a tragedy?
Is it really a bad thing that my daughters did a victory dance with me in my office when I had my first article accepted?
That I have learned to say “I’m sorry” to my own children when we are having a bad day?
Or that I have watched my daughter’s eyes fill with tears that reflect my own when I’ve given a speech about her?
I honestly hope that no one has misunderstood what I hope to convey through this blog and the work that I do.
All that I hope to do is to help all moms recognize that we are different, but that we each have strengths.
Because I started out with surprise motherhood and struggled with accepting my pregnancy and realizing my worth as a mother, that is the story I share.
But it no better or worse than the story of any other mother.
I wouldn’t hope that anyone would see me for anything more for my age.
But I also hope I won’t be seen for anything less.
I’ve added some great new young mom blogs to my blog roll, so be sure to check them out! I’ll be featuring many of them in Your Lines interviews soon! If you’d like to be added to my blogroll, just let me know-leave a comment or email me at [email protected].
So true!! This a good reminder. Sometimes we young moms get so caught up with mommy guilt, comparison, etc that we forget God made us as individuals with very different needs, strengths, etc….all important, all different. Thanks for this 🙂
Thank you Ashlie, I LOVE your post today!
I agree 100%. I think things have gotten easier as I’ve gotten older (I had my daughter when I was 19, she’s now 13), not because I got older, but because I stopped worrying about whether or not it mattered that I was a young mother. I had a wonderfully supportive family and went to a university that had amazing resources for student parents; I suspect a lot of the judgment I felt early on was self-imposed.
What school did you go to Shannon?
University of Kansas - Rock Chalk Jayhawk! They had an award winning on campus daycare that charged a reduced rate for students and further adjusted it in proportion to your ‘income’ (or my lack thereof), a financial aid department that actually contacted me to say, “I see you’re a single mom, I’ve been looking and here are some other ways we can help you,” an on-campus employer who looked after me and my daughter like a second father, and professors who said, “I hear your daughter is sick, do you need an extension?” I was really wonderfully supported there. I can’t say enough good things about that University and the way it helped make sure I made it through.
That’s awesome Shannon!!
Chaunie, what you say is absolutely true. It’s funny, though, because my first thought at that comment was very different—and, of course, not better or worse. 🙂
That thought is that yes, you were reading some of that scorn and disapproval into what you experienced, but you were in a place to read it in. In other words, as much as you would have supported somebody else in your position, on some level you would have disapproved of what she had done, too. And that’s okay, because you had to work through that, and maybe this is how God moved your heart to do it.
Besides, there really were some people who were scornful and disapproving. Either that, or they didn’t know how to support you. I’m remembering the woman at church who was probably in her late thirties or even early forties, established in her marriage and career and finally pregnant after (one presumes) years of trying. People knew how to respond to her pregnancy, but they didn’t know how to respond to yours.
I have to confess to some scorn and disapproval of that woman, anyway. I mean, come on. She didn’t know that postponing pregnancy often leads to more difficulty in getting pregnant? Who doesn’t know that? And what’s more important, pregnancy or a career?
Poor thing, and I don’t really know anything about her! I have to get over this! Who am I to judge what she did? Which is the whole point, I guess. Who are we to judge? How do we know what other burdens she was carrying and what temptations she went through?
::sigh:: Enough. I’ll get off my high horse now!
I get what you’re saying Melissa, because there are definitely times, as a nurse when I judge people. Just the other day we had a 20-year-old on her 4th kid and it is hard not to judge a situation like that, because we automatically assume she is doing something wrong for having all those kiddos. It’s a difficult balance, but I think the message I’d most like to convey is that young motherhood does not equal = dead end.
Love that comment and this blog post. Much of the time, I have realized that the only person stopping myself is… well, me. Even with people’s comments or stares or how-old-are-yous, much of the struggle is with self-worth- and that’s not something that can be defined by anyone else (though sometimes it seems like people try to define it for you).
That being said, do I still throw pity parties for myself when I can’t train for a race with my friends, or heck, bend down to pick up a sock? Yes, yes I do. But I think most moms feel like that, planned or unplanned pregnancies. It’s such a unique process, no one really knows how to handle it the first time around! We are all in the same boat!
You are such a great inspiration!
And someday soon, you WILL be able to pick up that sock! How’s that for inspiring? 🙂
I agree!! I used to think the same thing… and I some days I still do… I love your blogs Chaunie.. I can related a lot to what you blog about.. It’s nice knowing that I’m not the only one with these thoughts 🙂
Lisa Nolan says
You have such a strong voice, speaking for younger moms, teen moms, who often can’t speak up for themselves.
Sometimes we don’t choose the path we are on, it chooses us.
Me? Old mom! Had my only son at 41. And yet I can relate to what you say… my son was born with Down syndrome. A path I did not choose, it chose me. (And a whole host of emotions!)
I’m so happy you are in our FB group of mom bloggers and writers! Your ‘voice’ is so important!
YES on the pity parties… I make up in my head not only that other moms judge me for being young but young people judge me for being a mom! I’m sure it happens, but most of time when I feel self conscious, it is self imposed. Important to remember.
I am sooo excited and relieved to have found your blogs. Last March, I had my daughter unexpectedly…as in went to the ER with stomach pains thinking it was my appendix and nope, you’re having a baby! Sometimes this whole motherhood thing is hard. I recently started a new job, balancing new mom life, and figuring out this whole co-parenting thing has been nothing short of a crazy journey. I need to remember that HE put me on this path for a reason and HE is guiding me to be the mom I am and to not try to compare myself to other moms out there. We’re all mommin this thing together.