As I’ve already shared, after I had Ada I sank into a depression. Although I hesitated naming “it” in my original post, after encountering some brave mommy bloggers who shared their stories, like Katie, I know it’s ok to call it for what it was-
Postpartum depression.
It’s interesting now, to look back at what I wrote:
“What I do know is that whatever it was, I wasn’t particularly basking in the new mom glow during the first few months of Ada’s life. I felt so isolated and alone. We lived in a small apartment in the small town where my husband grew up and I didn’t really go anywhere. There were days I dreaded waking up in the morning…how would I fill all those hours? I felt certain that Ada was bored out of her mind with me, because I was bored with myself. As anyone who has struggled with similar feelings knows, the way you feel only makes you feel worse…as in, you know it’s irrational to feel that way, you know you have so much to be grateful for, health, a beautiful baby, sunshine, etc., etc., so the fact that you aren’t feeling happy makes you feel like a horrible human being. And so the cycle continues.”
Knowing what I know now, and what I’ve learned as a labor and delivery nurse, it was pretty textbook stuff. And more importantly-or at least it would have been important to me had I realized it at the time-I was one of many, many women. Postpartum depression is so common, and it can take many forms. Usually, it doesn’t kick in until after 3-4 weeks from giving birth, when your hormones start to balance out again. But the kicker is, the depression can then swoop in at anytime, right up until a year or so after birth.
Not cool.
Because I never considered my troubles as an “official” thing, but more of a result of all the stuff I had going on at the time, I’m not sure what a doctor would have prescribed to help me. Drugs? Therapy? Exercise? Who knows.
But I can tell you what worked.
Strangely enough, for me, the cure to my postpartum depression was going back to school.
Weird, right?
For me, part of my depression stemmed from the fact that I just felt like I was drifting…after having Ada my life had shifted so dramatically from what I thought I would be doing after college graduation that I felt like I just couldn’t find my footing.
Working a job I hated to support us, feeling like I didn’t even recognize myself anymore, not knowing how to navigate my new life…I think I just lost sight of who I was.
Me with Ada shortly after she was born.
Going through the act of applying for and being accepted to graduate school invigorated me. It made me feel like I was still worthwhile. I wasn’t just that girl who got pregnant-I still had brains left. I could still chase my dreams and become what I wanted.
The three hour drive to class once a week was actually refreshing to me-time to think and reflect, quietness for my soul. Getting lost in the swell of campus again invigorated me and helped to find my focus again.It felt good to be someone besides “mom” for even a few short hours.
Although I haven’t finished my graduate courses (I stopped classes right after Mya was born), I’ve realized the degree wasn’t my real goal.
My real goal was finding myself again. And although it’s unfortunate that it cost me an additional student loan to do that, it has definitely been some of the best money I’ve ever spent. (Although I do regret a few of the drive-through purchases made on the way home. Why is a McChicken so inviting at 10 o’clock at night??)
So what about you guys? Did anyone else experience postpartum depression in any form? How did you get through it? I find myself anxiously checking my emotions these days, making sure I’m staying “normal.” It seems like a daily, slipper slope, but so far, so good!
I didn’t consider myself to have much postpartum depression with my girls. One was an adoption plan, so of course I had normal grief that follows that but it didn’t feel hormonal and overwhelming out of control. I’m sure there was some as it balanced back out but it didn’t linger and its not what I remember. I was at peace with my decision always, and was back to feeling like me soon after. But like you said, I had a life to go back to for me, to finish high school, get a job, I was involved in church groups, etc. to help.
With my first parented daughter at 19, I remember having to grieve my old life, the consequences of becoming a mom at 19 years old (mainly the fact that we had to give up the college we loved and where we wanted to live). But again, I don’t remember it feeling hormonal and not like I wasn’t “me.” I was overjoyed with being a mom but had somethings in my life to work through, things to heal. I did go back to work when she was 3 months old and I do think that helped to give me more of a separate purpose as well and have some “Me” time. Same thing went I finished college.
My with son? Oh my. I thought with my past experiences that I would be fine. But it wasn’t. I was on a natural high for 2 weeks and then CRASH! I felt overwhelmed by everything, I was angry, I was sad that my birth and pregnancy was over and cried every day about it, I didn’t feel like me anymore. I wanted to enjoy the blessing’s God gave me but I couldn’t and it had a big strain on my marriage and other relationships. It felt like a dark could hoovering over me all the time. Finally at 8 weeks postpartum I took a friend’s placenta tincture. It literally made that dark cloud go away within a day. I took it for 3-4 weeks, just 2 drops in my juice each morning and it made a WORLD of difference! I could tell when I missed a day because it would come right back and I stopped when there wasn’t a difference anymore (and I was ME again).
With this baby, I want to avoid ever feeling like that again. I’m a huge believer in placentas now, God’s design is amazing (animals ingest their placenta after birth as well). I will have mine encapsulated and a tincture made to help avoid this, and it can be saved for menopause! It may not be a magical cure, but it is known to lessen depression and the blues significantly. I know it sounds gross, which is why I had never in the past, but now that I literally have felt the difference and been desperate for something to help, I’m all for it. I cannot wait to have a happier postpartum this time and be prepared mentally and spiritually for it.
I think you are right though too that keeping in mind who we are aside from being moms, making time for OUR needs, is a huge. I’m thankful my husband and I have made time for that now that our kids are older, we each have nights out every week by our selves with our friends or just doing something we love (basketball, doing pottery, chatting with friends, etc). But I pray that I will make that a priority when this baby comes as well!
Glad you are feeling well 🙂
Thanks for sharing this Leah! I honestly would have never thought of that, but I’m glad it helped you and you’ll have to share if it works this time around too! It does make sense, although I’m not sure I can bring myself to do it, lol! Make sure you do take care and REST UP after this baby. #3 has been rough on me, I’ve been sick twice, so definitely take all the time you need!!
Another Leah chiming in! My story is actually EXACTLY the same as yours Chaunie, right down to the drive-through regrets (I developed a serious caramel frappe addiction). I went back to school and started a non-profit. Anything to get out of the house and keep my sense of self and sanity! Everyone kept telling me to just stay home and settle into my new life and just enjoy time with the new baby (and then babies). But I KNEW I would be miserable and that I could instead hopefully contribute in a meaningful way if I instead channeled that energy elsewhere. I too loved going to campus and becoming anonymous for a short time. It made going home to the chorus of “Moms!” so much more enjoyable when I could actually miss it for short periods of time. What is actually a little different in my story is that I think what I have is actually pregnancy depression, not PPD. But with 5 kids in under 8 years, it’s hard to tell the difference!
I can totally relate to this, and I can see how school would help. It’s really helpful to read your thoughts about PPD, makes me feel a little bit better about the road ahead!
I suffered from intrusive thoughts (Postpartum OCD) & Postpartum Anxiety & was later diagnosed with PTSD. (Not fun!!) I didn’t tell anyone for years about the intrusive thoughts because I was so afraid that my baby would be taken away from me, that I would be locked up & felt as if I was going crazy. I had no idea what was happening to me. It definitely wasn’t talked about as much as it is now. What helped me get through it was staying busy & the help from my mom! After dealing with this for over 2 years, I finally found Postpartum Progress & blogs on Postpartum Mood Disorders & realized that I wasn’t alone & that this was more common that I thought. Finding these women who blog about their experience changed my life. I got the help I needed (support, counseling & a low dose of med) & began my road to healing from this!
Thanks so much for sharing this post!
Thank you Andrea! It’s so hard, all this mom stuff, isn’t it? Sigh. Thank goodness for women like you!