By now, you may have heard that I lost our fifth baby. The experience has been a long and emotionally exhausting one and I’m finally just rounding the corner on seeing the light again. I feel embarrassed, among other things, that my loss affected me so deeply when I have so much already and when there are others who have lost so much more.
But in the end, I have learned that there is no grand scale for loss. No one is keeping track of who has lost more and who has the right to grieve a “greater” loss. Loss is loss and it doesn’t change anything to deny yourself the right to grieve.
I learned a lot with my miscarriage, including that lesson, and there are still a lot of ways this loss took me by surprise:
Check out My Miscarriage Was More Heartbreaking Than I Ever Expected
by Chaunie Brusie at Mode
Hi.
It’s Maggie from SVSU nursing school. I happened to find your blog and read through the posts and got to this one. Wow. I am so so so sorry. You are in a club you never knew about, much less wanted to be a part of. We’re an eclectic bunch as clubs go, feelings of loss run the gamet of emotions. Anything you feel is right, there is no wrong way. Many hugs to you. There are many online groups that will offer you tons of support.
You have a beautiful family, cherub like children who must think the world of their momma. I try to write things down about my children, but yours will have this blog to read someday and see these life events through adult eyes, what a gift.
I had my own miscarriage in August of 2010. After nursing school it was time to start a family, but nothing happened. After two years of meds and treatments, tears, and questions - I was pregnant. It never felt “right”. 5 days later it started to unravel. While my husband was in Canada without cell service I was in the ER while my mom held my hand. It was over so quick. I’ll never forget the ER who hugged me and said she had 4 miscarriages before her two daughters. At that point I was glad to have just gotten pregnant, it meant at least I could get pregnant.
Then, my sister who had tried her first cycle off of birth control called, she was pregnant. We would have been due two weeks apart. I watched her grow and dealt with feelings of guilt because I was so happy for my best friend, but so angry at the constant reminder of my loss. The day before her daughter was born I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified EVERY DAY. Which wasn’t helped by my constant spotting for the first month. He’s almost 5. And we have a daughter who is almost 1. I was so happy for her pregnancy because there were no issues and I could truly enjoy the whole process.
I know I’m lucky, but that doesn’t stop me from missing my first baby. If you get pregnant again you may feel very scared now that you know the pain of loss. Every twinge may be scary. I had to resign myself to the fact that I was controlling every factor possible and the rest was out of my hands.
I wish you peace. Take care.
~Maggie
It’s so good to hear from you and I’m so sorry I missed this earlier — thank you so much for sharing. Your experience must have been so hard, oh my goodness! There is a mom I know who had a due date a week behind me and it’s been hard to see her belly grow. I hope I can be as strong. <3 <3
very sad story, after all, it is the a life that teaches you a lesson at every turn , god bless you .
I had no idea you were pregnant again but I am sorry for your loss. 🙁 🙁
I feel sorry for you but everything is happen for a reason.